let your kids be bored!

My sister and I joke that when we were kids we never knew what our homes looked like in daylight. As soon as we got home from school; as soon as we changed our clothes (yes, I know that’s a quaint idea these days); as soon as we had maybe a glass of milk, it was expected we would be out until dinnertime. The only permissible reasons to go inside were to go to the bathroom, to get a toy, or to get a sweater. Anything that lasted more than 3 minutes was suspect and quickly earned “the look”—that look from a parent that means “What are you doing inside and do I really have to speak to you?”

Weather didn’t matter. Short of a hurricane it was “Out you go!” from the adults. No matter the season, we roamed the neighborhood on bikes, collected minnows from the ditch, played in the orange grove or in the woods in our “fort”.   In the summer we primitive camped for 3 months  on Fish Eating Creek on the Okeechobee, off in the john boat for the day, exploring. We knew to take the oars in when we felt gators scrap the bottom of the boat.  At home we played marbles, jacks, dress-up, put on plays, made mud pies, skipped rope, lived on our bikes.  All this occurred without adult suggestion, guidance, or supervision.

Yours truly on right.

What did we learn? We learned that if you want to have enough people for two teams, you don’t leave anyone out. We learned how to negotiate conflicts so we could keep everyone in the game. We learned how to create our own fun and to listen to the ideas of others. Sometimes we learned how to follow. Sometimes we learned how to lead. We learned how to turn what could have been an endless afternoon of boredom into active adventure or quiet imagining.

So much for nostalgia. Did my own kids raised in the 1980s and ’90s have the same run of the neighborhood? No. Do my neighbors with young families send their kids out into the world on their own now? Also no. The reasons are multiple and not without merit. Over the last 30 years the world has changed and parenting has changed with it. In times of Amber Alerts and the increase in single-parent and two -earner families, we find ourselves both more fearful and less available.

When the adults of the household are all working, no one is home to be backup if a kid gets sick or injured. Programs with structured activities and adult supervision have therefore taken the place of neighborhood free play in that time between the school dismissal bell and dinner. In a world that feels less safe, most of us are uncomfortable with the idea of kids being out of sight and out of touch for hours at a time. Those who can afford it enroll the kids in programs. Those who can’t sternly instruct kids to stay home with the doors locked.

Further, when our kids are home, chances are the neighbors’ kids aren’t. When we are home, many of us want to spend time with our children so we’re often involved in their play, whether at the playground, in the yard, or on a vacation. When we’re exhausted, we, and the kids, go to the TV, the video game, or online to relax or just to zone out for awhile.

An unintended result of the changes in family life and parenting style is kid dependence on adult involvement and outside structure and stimulation. No one intended to raise kids who can’t figure out what to do with a summer day. None of us meant to create a world where kids need to be supervised or isolated and kept busy to be kept safe. Few parents you ask will say (at least out loud), “I’m glad my kids are happy in front of a TV or computer when I’m too tired, too busy, or too stressed out to deal with them.”

Nonetheless, the unintended but very real consequence of so much parental involvement is a big part of a generation of kids who can’t function for very long without being told what to do, how to do it, and how to get along with the kids they have to do it with. When these kids have unscheduled and unstructured time, they quickly run out of ideas. “I’m bored” is a code phrase for “Tell me what to do.” And we adults oblige. Search “boredom and kids” on the Internet and you’ll come up with dozens of sites like these: “Boredom Busters for Kids.” 100 Craft Ideas for Bored Kids.” “Travel Games to Relieve Kid Boredom.” “Summer Boredom Relievers.” The message is clear: If the kids are bored, it’s our job as parents to fix it.

Bored Kids Are Creative Kids

Fortunately, researchers are taking a new look. It turns out that boredom is good for kids. When kids are allowed to have nothing to do—including being cut off from the ubiquitous screens—they start to feel restless. When adults kindly refuse to fill the gap in the action, they get frustrated. When they can’t turn to the external world, they start to turn to the internal one. Restlessness + Frustration + Inner reflections are the ingredients of Creativity. The kids start to look around on their own for something to occupy their minds and their bodies. Since most kids are good kids, they usually don’t resort to mischief. Instead, they invent, they make art, they explore, they read, and they look for other kids to interact with in person instead of on a screen. This creative play is the much-needed rehearsal for kids to become innovative, creative, socially adept adults.

How Parents Can Help

Here are just a few ideas to help you get started:

1. Make sure that “I’m bored” doesn’t mean “Please be with me.” Kids do need a strong dose of parental attention every day. Spend some time actively listening and sharing. Once a good deposit has been made in the “attention bank,” most kids get on with their own activities quite happily.
2. Take the time to transition. If it’s a new idea to your kids that you’re not the family activity director, give them notice that you’re stepping down. Brainstorm with them what they can do when there’s nothing on the schedule or they find themselves with time on their hands. (Be sure to include doing nothing and taking naps as legitimate.) Reduce your time as director in steps so they don’t feel abandoned or scared.
3. Model the creative use of downtime. Let the kids see you read a book, pursue a hobby, or putter around. You may find that “withdrawal” from screens is as difficult for you as it is for the kids but it’s worth doing. You’re likely to find that you still enjoy other leisure activities or that reading a good novel really is better than a reality TV show.
4. Plan for unscheduled, unstructured, unhurried time each day. If the kids are in after-school care, perhaps the time between getting home and having dinner can be “alone time.” Make sure that weekends include time for unstructured play.
5. Cut down on the amount of time on screens each day. That includes TV, movies, computer games, and video game systems. If screen time has crept up in your house, it may take some time to wean the kids but you can do it. Give them some power over it by setting a maximum time per day or per week and then let them decide how to use it.
6. Provide materials but not direction. Instead of buying another video game or going out to the movies, make a visit to the crafts store for art supplies. A weekly family trip to the library ensures that everyone always has something new to read. Unearth any building toys (like Legos and blocks) from the bottom of the toy box. Make a “dress up box.” And don’t overlook the potential of packaging. See if the local appliance store will give you one of the boxes from a washer or dryer. It will fast become a house, a castle, or a fortress. Resist the urge to remind the kids about what’s on hand. If it’s there, they will find it.
7. Resist the temptation to rescue the kids when they say they’re bored or when they seem to be at loose ends. Instead, let them know you have complete confidence in their ability to figure out how to spend their time.
8. Make friends with the weather. Kids are not like the witch in the Wizard of Oz. They won’t melt if they get wet. Being out in a summer rain or a winter snow brings out the creativity in kids.
9. Make friends with dirt. Kids who play outside get dirty. Designate some clothes as play clothes and let the kids be as rough and tumble as they want. They’ll come in muddy but tired and happy.
10. Ban the “B” word from the family vocabulary. Tell the kids that only the most boring people in the world are those who are unable to figure out something to do. Let them know you are sure they can either use the time to think and dream or to do something interesting.

As much as we might wish it, we can’t recreate the illusion of safety and the availability of stay-at-home parents of the 1950s and ’60s. The truth is, those times weren’t perfect either. But we can give our kids the gifts of regular unstructured time and our confidence they will know how to use it. Once they believe we won’t provide their entertainment every minute, their creativity will take off.